You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
