i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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