i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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