So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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