You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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