Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Me too!
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
