i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
