Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
