I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
