I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
