Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
