you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
