it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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