i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
