This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
