It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
