the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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