Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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