I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
