I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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