You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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