im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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