I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
