it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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