What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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