Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
