so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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