If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
