Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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