Im at strip club and am horny
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
