I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
