We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
i believe in u and ur pee
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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