i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
