it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
