did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
