New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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