he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Come see our sink grown plant.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
