My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
