I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
