I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
