EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
