I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
