My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
