Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
