Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
