mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The beer is more important than you right now.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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