Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
