god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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