I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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