He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
